Dear Patriot:
We at the National Security Agency are doing our part to reduce the federal deficit. As part of our cost reduction initiative we are exited to announce that:
In cooperation with the department of education, we intend to replace our internal communication surveillance technicians with public high school interns!
We believe that this will result in a far lower operations budget in the 2014 fiscal year and will have the side benefit of giving current american high school students the real-world experience they need to operate outside of their schools. Please understand that this dramatic reform will present challenges, and so we are asking for your help as we work to save taxpayer money. Our public relations department, has compiled the following list of ways you can assist our new Savings by Patriotic Youth initiative.
1. Please limit all e-mails to 5 polysyllabic words. Our interns tend to have difficulty with any word longer than eight characters so this will save our time and your money as we bring America's promising youth into a brighter future.
2. Make sure to post (18+) in the subject line of any e-mail containing adult references or material. This will allow us to filter your more interesting correspondence out of the general list and you will be able to send and receive without worrying that you might corrupt innocent eyes. Remember you are sharing these details with innocent strangers and we don't want you to feel uncomfortable revealing your hidden fantasies.
3.Feel free to extend a cheerful greeting at the beginning and/or end of your e-mail and phone calls. These are teenagers after all and with the holidays fast approaching we feel sure that a short word of encouragement and/or thanks to these hard working young people will boost their spirits and productivity. Many of them are big brothers and sisters, out working rather than spending their time with siblings and it cheers them up when you thank them for watching attentively over this fine nation's security.
4. Don't say "bomb", "assassinate", "blow up" or "official" unless you really mean it. These words create extra work for our security staff and require that we bring in highly paid experts. If we can cut down on the false alarms and only investigate those of you who actually intend violence, we can save millions in taxpayer dollars. Just remember,if you aren't planning something nasty there is no need for harsh language.
5. When referencing foreign persons or locations try describing a little of their culture, language and geography. We want our interns to excel in school and with your help we hope to expand the ways in which they learn as they help to make a cheaper, more secure country. After all, why shouldn't work be educational? We intend to rotate subjects by year with math in 2015, then science and english literature in following years.
6.Please be sure to enunciate in your cellular phone calls. Of course we all appreciate the dramatic improvement in cell signals around the country but static has still been known to creep into the lines on occasion. We will save countless hours of frustration and expensive computer analysis if you are willing to speak a little more slowly and clearly. If a word is particularly important to the meaning of a sentence, try spelling it out or repeating it.
On the revenue side:
1. If you have accidentally deleted an important e-mail remember that we are here to help. For a small fee (no need to include credit card information, our interns will be happy to look it up for you) we will be happy to provide you with a copy of anything you have sent since January of 2002. ($2 per 20 lines)
2. Now and for a limited time only we are offering a CD collectors edition of Awkward E-mails From World Leaders. ($25 includes delivery. Additional charges may apply outside the continental United States. This unique collection includes our staff's selection of personal favorite e-mail from heads of state and government leaders around the world. Don't miss out on Angele Merkel's thrilling critique of David Cameron's latest wardrobe!
Thank you for your assistance in this matter, and always remember, we watch because we care.
Sincerely,
Your Government
